A Polyandrous Relationship Goes South

I accept had affairs: flings, continued affairs, one-night stands, acutely animal encounters and fantasy adulation diplomacy that never happened. My adulation activity adventure is comfortable with corpses and tears.

But, one adventure that stands alpine aloft the blow is that of a woman called Nompilo (she who brings life). She was annihilation but. I was in a polyandrous accord with Nompilo. No typo. Yes, you apprehend that correctly. I was appropriately in adulation with a woman, who told me on the first-date that, she was complex with anyone abroad – addition man. In this bureaucracy of assorted sex ally (ubufebe), I was not what is colloquially referred to as I-straight or added appropriately the capital boyfriend. In IsiZulu, I was isidikiselo (secondary lover).

In his seminal book advantaged Adulation in the Times of Aids, the British built-in bookish Mark Hunter describes these relationships in depth. He begin that: I-straight is a recognised capital boyfriend. He is advantaged sometimes to sex (no above-mentioned HIV analysis required) afterwards a condom and that the alms extends beneath to ishende (secret lover) and, or, isidikiselo (secondary lover).

My adulation activity with Nompilo began in ardent about February 1995. It had taken me a abounding 25 months to date a city-limits girl. She even accustomed a nod as my aboriginal adherent to abrasion pants in our accord literally. As a amateur in the city-limits of Durban in the aboriginal 90s, it was a change for me to date a woman who wore pants. Don’t laugh. I am a BBT – built-in afore technology. Nompilo was, for the abridgement of a bigger phrase, the queen of my heart. She was admirable – a baby additional admeasurement woman of average acme and fair complexion. So, this was an ability in all respects. Since, I had relocated to the city-limits of Durban in January 1993; my affectionate diplomacy had been taken affliction of by my rural pumpkins. God absolve them.

In my blighted adulation activity with Nompilo, we both understood, so I thought, the banned and diplomacy of our adulation affair. Luckily, I was advantaged to sex afterwards a condom even admitting I was the (isidikiselo) accessory lover. With the account of hindsight, I shouldn’t accept taken up this benefit.

The capital admirer (I-straight) was about in Vryheid, and I was in Durban. The admirable idea, at atomic in my arch was that, there were acutely bound bounded arena fields for both of us. I would yield affliction of Nompilo’s affectionate diplomacy in Durban while the added guy will play acceptable action and not appear into my territory. Fair play! On my side, I had no plan to see Nompilo alfresco the borders of the city-limits of Durban. I had no abstraction that this adjustment was alone a bubble of my abundant imaginations, and it will end in tears, at atomic for me.

However, with account of hindsight, I wasn’t in actuality in adulation with Nompilo admitting the actuality that we had a absolute accord including animal liaison. I was in adulation admitting with the abstraction of her – able-bodied spoken, able-bodied dressed and articulate. Our accord stumbled from one crisis to the next. I didn’t care, as continued as the chat was out that I had a girlfriend, I was happy.

At first, she able me with a sexually transmitted ache – earning her stripes as a aboriginal woman to do so. I accepted that she pays for my treatment. She obliged. It escalated into a alternation of torn promises. I let it all slide. You see, I bare Nompilo in my activity to advance some atom of respectability. Remember, at this time I was the Deputy President of the Students’ Representative Council (SRC) at the again Technikon Natal, so dating a apple adorableness like Nompilo added a faculty of balm to my beginning career in dating city-limits girls. All was able-bodied with my soul. So, I thought.

Well, well, able-bodied that was accurate until she appear nonchalantly on the eve of that continued weekend of the 9th August, 1995: “My admirer is advancing to absorb the weekend at the res (student residence) with me. So I will absolutely acknowledge if you don’t could cause a scene.” I was ordered, “To accomplish myself scarce.”

To say, I was devastated is to put it mildly. My accomplished apple came abolition down in foreground of my eyes. I anticipation I had carved my alcove with Nompilo. In my mind, we all had a abode in her heart, but I absurd that, I disqualified the roost in the city-limits of Durban. I was naïve.

On the additional night during the continued weekend, I couldn’t authority aback anymore. I absolved a abbreviate ambit to Nompilo’s res. When I accustomed there it was just afterwards midnight. I was trembling, and in a algid sweat. My eyes were spitting fire. I was angry. Fuming! I stood at the aperture for account on end. Time stood still. I knew my accomplished apple was central there. To advisedly amplify J.M. Coetzee in his atypical in the Affection of Darkness: “Night falls, and Nompilo and her capital admirer caper in the bedroom. Duke in duke they achievement her womb.” Indeed, “these were fair times for them.”

As I stood there, a actor means to accomplish a absolute annihilation raced in my head. At the end, a cliché won the day – if you adulation her abundant let her be. I didn’t beating at the end. I went aback to my abode and cried myself to sleep.

Soon, thereafter, I realised the abounding brainy and concrete furnishings of getting isidikiselo (secondary lover). It was an affecting roller-coaster ride. A ride, my adolescent brittle affection was ill-prepared for. It became bright to me that the aureate cup was broken. Something central me died that night. I anon bankrupt up with Nompilo and confused on.